Learn It, Live It, Love it
2003 Awards and Rankings: Posts of the Year
Fifth-place Post of the Year
Poster: BVP for Heisman 03
Morning: Wake-up about 9:30 A.M. Scratch a$$. Go to bathroom. Look in mirror - make sure silver spoon is still dangling in mouth. Comb hair. Make mental note to order more Rogain. Go to fridge. Get yogurt and granaloa. Turn on computer. Check RN postings. See if any
involve CU football. Post malarkey response if any CU postings. If not - post malarkey anyway. Check for any RAM SMITH postings. Check for any BVP for Heisman 03 postings. Post more malarkey. Go to Netfoofoos. Take turns brainwashing and getting brainwashed by fellow
10:00 AM - S,S and shower. Give wife credit card that is automatically paid by trustfundaloe account daddy set up. Wish her luck at the mall. Call friend in auto bidness. Discuss merits of BMW SUV versus Cadillac SUV.
Noon - recieve call from wife. Agree to meet at fern bar for lunch. Eat lunch with wife at fern bar. Cleverly have wife sit with her back to TV so trustfundaloe can watch womens tennis on TV. Watch Serena smoke somebody in tennis. Make mental note to drop hint to wife to get a new set of false knockers. Gripe to wife about the way the new maid cleaned the shower.
1:00 PM - Turn on radio in Mercedes on way back to house to listen to Thery and CJ. Nod in agreement with everything CJ has to say. Return to house. Call travel agent. Check on hotel accomodations for 3 month stay in Bahamas. Remind travel agent to get a hotel with internet
service so trustfundaloe can check RN board while on vacation.
2:30 PM - Take nap.
3:00PM - Wake-up depressed thinking about the numbers 19-14 and 4 out of 5. Take Prosaic. Make mental note to have prescription filled before next football season. Check RN board. Post more malarkey to go with original malarkey. Go to CU campus. Stop by AD's office - drop off check automatically paid from trustfundaloe account. Get slapped on the back and patted on the head by CU AD people. Stop by athletic dorms. Lose a few $50 bills in carpet. Go to work out. Lift a few weights. Shower. Go to the Club and hang out with other trustfundaloes. Compare notes on trustfund managers. Pretend to know something about bidness. Listen to others discuss the merits of high beta stocks in a sluggish economy. Try to remember the word "beta". Think it was a word he heard in high school chemistry. Wonder what chemistry has to do with stocks. Return to house. Check RN board. Try and make rebound from getting cyber a$$ kicked by RAM SMITH and others. Post weak malarkey response. Curse the day CSU hired Sonny.
6:00 PM Eat dinner. Watch espn news.
7:30 PM Check RN board. Go back to Netfoofoos to recieve nightly brainwashing.
11:00 PM - Go to bed.
11:05 PM - Get nagged by wife for forgetting to get Viagra prescription filled.
11:10 PM fall asleep fantasizing about CU win over CSU in football in 2003.
1:00 AM - Wake up in cold sweat thinking about having a QB starting against CSU that has never taking a snap behind an offensive line with only one returning starter.
1:15 AM - Curse the day Van Pelt enrolled at CSU.
1:20 AM - Take Sominex.
God Bless RamNation & Long live RamNation.com & the good ol' U.S.A.!`
Fourth-place Post of the Year
Poster: RAM SMITH
A Day in the Life of Slick Rick
5:45AM: Wake up to alarm. Start shower. Check out your massive pecks in the mirror. Tell yourself, “Damn, Ricky…YOU’RE HOT!” Shower while singing & playing guitar. Get out, dry off & check out pecks one more time. Turn on TV to stock ticker. Make mental note to call broker on the way to the office. Log on to email & check over-night messages. Save any messages from UofWash AD just in case you need them later. 6:25AM: Toast bagel w/ soy butter on it. Grind Columbian-Turkish blend of imported coffee to go w/ bagel.
6:40AM: Save more email messages from UofWash AD just incase you need them later.
7:44AM: Get in Benz & drive to work. Dial one of your lawyer buddies in L.A. about something stupid last week & may need a law referral. He tell you you’re ok & everything will be fine. Call
broker & tell him to take everything out of hi-tech stocks put it into a new trustfund (try to remember what you learned from the boosters in Boulder so you sound intelligent) with greater market protection.
8:05AM: Arrive at campus. Rehearse your “No comment” for the reporters. Try to remember how Dickless Tharp taught you how to say it.
8:20AM: Sit down at desk. Check email. Save any from the AD’s office about a pool UofWash boosters want to start on the day you’ll be fired. You’ve got an extra $20K to spend & you think you have the inside track on the day you’ll be cleaning your desk out.
8:55AM: Make recruiting call to a 13 yo kid in Oklahoma. Tell him how great he is & ask him what size shoe he wears.
9AM-11AM: Surf the message boards of cu & Uof Wash to see if anyone still loves you. They don’t. Pick up guitar & sing a Harry Chapin song you learned at a tree-hugging sit-in at cu.
11:02AM: Make a recruiting call to a player now playing @ USC.
11:15AM: Call your attorney. Listen intently….wipe your eyes as you hang up. Sing another song.
11:40AM: Make a recruiting call to Jeremy Bloom & let him know you have nice slopes out in Washington too.
11:42AM: Call Mulligan Barney to get advice. He’s out of his office according to his secretary. She whispers to you, he’s down at Boulder County Jail waiting for the release of a linebacker. You call Mulligan Barney on his cell. He only laughs at you & remarks, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Only you, Ricky could get my program’s problems off the front page here in Colorado. Thank you!” You tell him you may be calling him for a position job soon if he doesn’t mind. Barney can’t quit laughing.
Noon: Lunch. Order a pizza in the office to avoid the press. Those bastards!
2PM: Wake from nap w/ nothing left from lunch but the crust. Pitch crust out of window at the press. Giggle.
2:15PM: Call AD’s office. Use fake voice & tell your boss that Rick is a great coach & deserves a 2nd chance. Remind her that you….’er Rick is a damned snappy dresser too. She responds with, “Rick, STOP this crap. You know you screwed up. Now, just shut-up & take your medicine. She hangs up on you. Wipe your eyes.
2:18PM: Call your mom. She begins to chew your butt for bending the rules…AGAIN. She reminds you that you’ve been doing this all your life. She finishes the call by saying, “Grow up you panty waste. Grow a spine & take your medicine.”
2:35PM: Call your mom back using a fake voice & tell her that Rick is a great coach & deserves a 2nd chance. Remind her that you….’er Rick is a damned snappy dresser too. Your mom just can’t quit laughing. Wipe your tears as you hang up.
2:39PM: Play a Cat Stevens song on your guitar.
3:01PM: Walk down the hall to the AD’s office & slip a letter from a concerned Husky fan under the door asking her to give Rick a 2nd chance.
3:09PM: Return to desk to check email. Save the email from AD’s office about the “When will Slick Rick be fired Pool?” You’ve got $20K on Thursday @ Noon.
3:30PM: Call the 49ers & ask if that job is still open. NO? Ok…You ask them if they have any other jobs opening soon. They don’t. Tell them, “Well! I didn’t want your stupid job anyway!”
4PM: Leave office after making 50+ recruiting calls using your cool fake voice to current college football players around the nation letting them know what a great coach Rick is at ashington…or where ever he will land.
4:45PM: Drive home. Start packing. You’re toast.
Third-place Post of the Year
Since you are the real die-hard fans, I thought I'd give you an advance on the big news forthcoming.
I'm not actually Jon in L.A., but Bill in Seattle. I never finished college, but have been quite successful with a little company I started called Microsoft. Over the years I've grown fond of college football and adopted CSU as my favorite team, thanks to Thur. night games on ESPN (I used to play D&D on those nights). I've been secretly taking extension classes at CSU over the internet (using the great MSN service) and am graduating this week with a degree in computer science. Hopefully this should help me if I need to get a new job.
In thanks, I am gifting the school with $20 Billion. Steve Ballmer is griping that I should give it to UW, but what they hey... I've still got $40 Billion and I can't take it with me. Here's where some of the funds will be allocated:
- Men's teams will continue to be called the Rams. Women will be Roms.
- Stadium 2.0 will be built, sponsored by Xbox. A massive, WIFI-enabled stadium will be installed on campus, including retractable roof, surround sound, hundreds of iLoos, and massive flat panel
scoreboards running reruns on Windows Player. In addition, free Pabst Blue Ribbon for GRC members.
- A new Moby arena will be built, each seat having a USB port and cable modem. The arena will be designed on the XP platform, which has fewer crashes.
- The new PowerPoint training room will feautre the latest fitness equiptment, including rowing lake.
- The Excel .com bubble will provide year-round, all-weather indoor practice facilities for all sports teams.
- The Melinda Gates Lacrosse Arena will provide the club with Div. 1 status, including complete funding.
- The Outlook Ballpark will be built specifically for softball and a new fully-funded baseball team.
- Free tuition for students, plus generous expense accounts made available at preferred bars, the pickle barrel and comp beer from New Belgium.
- We were going to buy CU and shut them down, but due to anti-competative litigation, we'll just copy everything they do well, invest 12x the money and kill them with better marketing.
- The new Ft. Collins FlightSimulater(TM) Airport will be expanded, allowing low-cost airlines such as Southwest to provide easier access and cheap flights for those wishing to travel to and from Colorado.
- Dude, every student is getting a Dell.
We hope that this makes your day. Go Rams!
Thanks, Bill & Melinda
P.S. We bought a 51% share of the BCS.
Runner-up Post of the Year
Poster: BVP for Heisman 03
With all due respect to Jeff Foxworthy.......
A Trustfundaloe inherits a new 40 foot yacht from his uncle when his uncle moves to France.
A Wyoming Redneck inherits a 1972 Montgomery Wards 10 foot aluminum fishing boat when his cousin goes to jail.
A Trustfundaloe's yacht has twin 454's and goes by the handle "DOUBLE TROUBLE".
A Wyoming Redneck's boat has a Mercury 5 horsepower motor that needs a valve job, hasn't run in 3 years and goes by the handle the "SS DOOLITTLE".
A Trustfundaloe's yacht has sleek cherry wood and stainless steel finishes.
A Wyoming Redneck's boat has splintery number 2 knotty pine and rust.
A Trustfundaloe collects rare stamps for fun and profit.
A Wyoming Redneck collects coyote pelts for fun and profit.
A Trustfundaloe owns a couple of manicured and pampered French Poodles named "Foofoo" and "FeeFee" for attention and affection.
A Wyoming Redneck owns a couple of mangy Irish Wolfhounds named "Go get'em" and "Sic'em" for running and finishing off coyotes.
A Trustfundaloes's favorite vehicle is a BMW SUV with a bumper sticker that says "FREE WILLY".
A Wyoming Rednecks favorite vehicle is '56 GMC pick-up truck with a gun rack and a "I'D RATHER STEP IN SH*T THAN SMOKE POT" bumper sticker.
A Trustfundaloe's wife drags her husband into the doctors office to get a Viagra prescription.
A Wyoming Redneck's wife sends off a mail order for $39.99 to the ACME Vibrator Company and orders the "Shiver-Me-Timbers" model.
A Trustfundaloe takes his wife to Vegas and watches as his wife wins $500.00 at the ATM machine.
A Wyoming Redneck takes his wife to bingo and watches as his wife wins a cupee doll.
A Trustfundaloe lives in a mansion with an 8/12 pitch roof.
A Wyoming Redneck live in a doublewide with car tires on a flat roof.
A Trustfundaloe's mansion has an all out ADT security system with motion sensors, armed entry and panic bars.
A Wyoming Redneck has couple of nasty pit bulls named "SMITH & WESSON".
A Trustfundaloe's second favorite vehicle is his Cadillac SUV with surround sound, CD player, TV and DVD player.
A Wyoming Redneck's second favorite vehicle is a '69 Camaro with an 8 track player that's on blocks in front of his doublewide.
A Trustfundloe's favorite hang-out is "The Club" where he likes to knock down a couple of scotch and waters after 18 holes.
A Wyoming Redneck's favorite hang-out is a bar called "He's Not Here" and likes to knock down a fifth of Wild Turkey Bourbon.
A Trustfundaloe goes to "The Club" and complains to his friend that he can't stand Casper because "the wind blows" and "half that damn town eats it's dinner at Mini-Mart and the half is trying to rob it".
A Wyoming Redneck goes to "He's Not Here" and complains to his friends that he can't stand Boulder because "the wind blows" and "half that damn town has it's head up its a$$ and the other half that town has its head up its a$$".
A Trustfundaloe prepares for the New Year by buying a bottle of Louis the 13th Cognac.
A Wyoming Redneck prepares for the New Year by buying two cases of Hamms.
A Trustfundaloe fires his trustfund manager every month in an economic downturn.
A Wyoming Redneck pays his Mastercard with his Visa in an economic downturn.
A Trustfundaloe takes his trust fund manager out for lunch every month during a economic upswing.
A Wyoming Redneck pays his Mastercard with his Visa.
A Trustfundaloe goes to his luncheon with his trust fund manager listening to Coach Barney's recommended self help tape "Who Moved My Cheese?"
A Wyoming Redneck goes to work listening to Johnny Paycheck's self help tape " You Can Take This Job and Shove It..." Trustfundaloe's bathroom has a "bidet".
A Wyoming Rednecks bathroom has a toilet handle that you have to jiggle just right to keep it from running.
A Trustfundaloe writes a letter to the National Forest Service complaining about snow boarders being allowed on Ajax Mountain in Aspen and concludes the letter by saying "KEEP THE PLANKTON OFF!!!!"
A Wyoming Redneck writes a letter to the National Forest Service complaining about not being able to hunt in Yellowstone National Forest and concludes the letter with his thumb print.
A Trustfundaloe thinks his congressman should get off his a$$ and reduce capital gains tax from from 27.5% to 10%.
A Wyoming Redneck thinks his congressman should get off his a$$ and eliminate alcohol and tobacco taxes.
A Trustfundaloe thinks his President - George Bush is doing a lousy job.
A Wyoming Redneck thinks his President - Charleton Heston is doing a great job.
A Trustfundaloe thinks tax write-offs are a God given right.
A Wyoming Redneck thinks poaching an elk at Rocky Mountain National Forest is a God given right.
A Trustfundaloe's favorite shows are "Lou Dobbs Money Line Report" and the "Nightly Business Report with Paul Kangas".
A Wyoming Rednecks favorite shows are "COPS" and "Jerry Springer".
A Trustfundaloe's wife walks around her yard in her sports bra holding down the fort over her false knockers and one yard maintence man turns to the other and says "Damn Leroy....I knows thems has gots to be made of Jam 'cause they don't jiggle enough to be jelly".
A Wyoming Rednecks wife walks around Super Walmart in a moo-moo and scares the sh*t out everybody.
You know your a Wyoming Redneck IF you go to Mini-Mart and write a check for a pack of Marlboro Lights and a hot dog.
You know your a Wyoming Redneck IF the pack of Marlboro Lights and hot dog is you breakfast.
You know your a Wyoming Redneck if you think the "Equinox" is the"Equa Knocks" as in the Twins at Hooters.
Post of the Year
Poster: JoninLA (currently posts as JoninAZ)
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
We got new scoreboards,
A new dose of reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the new sky boxes
I've got a cold beer, I need no cup of tea,
Because I'm easy come, easy go, Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me
…cause I’m already pickled
Mama, just became a Ram,
Bought a ticket at the stile, and a hot dog in the aisle
Mama, life has just begun,
But I spent my book funds on the G-R-C
Mama, ooh, Didn't mean to make you cry,
But it’s worth it just to watch Houston
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters
Kickoff, the time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time
Goodbye, kicking team, Wynn’s got the ball
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooh, I don't want to die,
I simply want watch football all my life
I see a little silhouetto of a Ram,
Giant Balls, Giant Balls, more than any other mascot
And there are CU’s cheer guys, very, very fright'ning me
(Sonny Lubick) (Sonny Lubick) (Sonny Lubick’s on his field)
I'm just a poor boy who wants a beer in the 4th quarter
He's just a poor boy who wants a beer in the 4th quarter
Spare him a beer from this monstorous rule
Easy come, easy go, will you sell me one beer
Bismillah! No, we will not sell you beer
(Sell him beer!) Bismillah! We will not sell you beer
(Sell him beer!) Bismillah! We will not sell you beer
(Gimme beer) Will not give you beer
(Let me go) Will not let you go (Let me go) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me go
The FCPD has a ticket put aside for me, for me, for me
So you think you can mess with the Knights of the Green & Gold?
So you think you can fight our Stalwart Rams down the fold
Oh, baby, can't do this to us, baby,
You just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta Lubick Field
Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me
Cause I’m passed out. East stands. 12th row.
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